Safe Harbor
[Sign Guestbook]
Last Day You Placed A Bet June 04/02 and Gratefulllllllllllll Location Beautiful Sunshine South Western Ont..Canada Comments:     Hi Alllllll Harborites... Sandra here a NON gambler Today.. -- To all who haven't placed a bet in the last '24 hrs .WTG. To all who won't be placing a bet in this set of '24 hrs .WTG. Including me. -------- Brenda ..I enjoyed reading your life unfolding and how doing the footwork or should I say Pumping weight  -off..WTG..A few things mentioned I so relate.. 1)One was ''in saying Thank you when receiving a compliment.. This is what I used to say Before I went to Al-Anon back in 79.. When a person said < OH do I ever like that blouse.. I would go into detail of ..Oh this.. I bought it at blah blah and paid blah for it.. ..it's old ..then I learned to just say .."thank you". -See at that time, my activities were listed, my whole being had to be justified ..I had to have quick answers for my behaviors. I was at that time in my life living with an active drinker who binged but behaviors when not drinking were no different.  Over time I learned to skirt..avoid..and even lie because the Truth was 'painfully used against me in times when 'an excuse was needed for my spouse to go out . 'He was so angry at himself, he had to constantly give me Chit ".. ----So a friend of mine who became tired of my whining and lamenting about my spouse , took me to Al-Anon..of course her and I would exchange stories of who had the worst weekend when we coffee'ed together  her husband was a daily drinker-mine was a binge black-out drinker. --So off to Al-anon I went.. it took 3 solid months of almost daily meetings to ''get an Awakening. I attended Al-Anon solid for 8 years..Then went to a Treatment place for five days in a (hospital setting) in 83.. I knew I needed more Help than Al-Anon could offer me .. See I divorced my first husband and ''sadly I did not give myself that time between emotional relationships and found another ; but this time a Daily drinker =fire to frying pan ..  So that Treatment time ''gave me the ''much needed help to over come what lay beneath ,trapped in trauma-that was not addressed in Al-Anon meetings enough for me.. So with a guiding sponsor who mentored me ..She set up that Time/place for me as It had helped her also... .-My life started to bloom after.. I went to College.. I separated myself from an emotional entanglements. I gave myself time to be and like being alone with ME. Spent the next 6 years being mentored by a compassionate nun..in spirituality and sharing more pain that became ready to come out again. 'But with time .. and meeting a fellow I am with Today.. we moved ..in the move I became isolated from what I was used to having in sharing - also ..My sponsor had moved to another region and I the opposite. Well in time.. with the move and many events , one a horrific accident that took me 2 years to rehabilitate --I started the downward spiral in my former ways.. Isolation took hold..The more I struggled with my self esteem the more I beat myself up for lacking it. And reaching out -I failed to Do... -- I guess am sharing this because .. I have found whatever I learned at any time in my life has ''Never been Lost". It just got shelved when 'troubles started multiplying and I regressed to that '''disappointment mode' in self ''ah again. what a failure to myself .. -- Fast forward..I fell into gambling socially .. I always liked to gamble but never had a problem walking away ;since my life was full and focus was not there..But in the year I moved -and the overwhelming circumstances that befell me --given a WIN>>>>>.oh my .. this is great.. A feeling of ''Importance arrived in me"..  So I strived to keep that feeling and I continued to gamble.......was not long I went across the invisible line-- called Compulsive gambling...--Long and short of it all... The escape I found , became the Escape I wanted to run from .(Irony). --I went to GA..and counseling .. I knew I was addicted because I have said before , in my previous life in a marriage and 1 relationship , I circled the drinker's and they circled the booze..we were addicted to the same madness to escape from ourselves. ..-----Well I fell many times 'trying to grasp this gambling- obsession and bring it in control. But there would never be Control after that Line had been crossed .. Only acceptance into submitting to defeat that "I can't ..bet. AT All.. -And Everything I learned before in my years spent ''in Education of Addictions/College/retreats/treatments and the many texts, books , notes I have kept are with me TODAY !! ..and all the behaviors that I knew that went with them .. and applying the footwork ..Again-IN-my life -- to Bloom again. And Today this ''person wants Flowers not buds that fail to spring up.. ''  --I will continue to nurture me..''The biggest Lesson I keep learning through out my life is this: Not to build a dependency on any one person or thing ..because..that could fail , falter ..The One constant is MY HIGHER POWER ; but again that dependency needs to be healthy for me too.. Because it's my Footwork I need to keep doing and not Expect some devine intervention to do ''What I need to do for me ">. Amen.. (my thoughts on that ).. ------ ----Rope of Hope (''''')-(''''')--hang in hang on , hold tight..a journey starts with One foot step.. into Better.. Stay STrong , stay Safe and above all Stay connected to People who can relate and give back Validation. I know the Pain of withdrawing into self out of Life and the work to get back on Track.. But in time..........IT IS SO WORTH THE STRUGGLE.. Sandra gams5.. again long post , scroll iffen need be... .
Location calgary Comments: good morning all ........ have not posted for a while i am really grumpy these days ...feeling down and out and I have not been up to posting but do read and thank everyone for their sharing....... (( Ges)) how wonderful you are spending the day with your daughter and grandson...... how blessed you are ... and lemons from your own tree i am soooo jealous !!!!! very nice !!!! (( Anna)) how that gambling plays with our minds..... thinking we can win more .... ugh .... been there done that ..... (( Brenda)) smiling at yourself in the mirror 3 times a day ... i know i could not do that good for you ,,,,, and loosing the dress sizes WAY TO GO that is a battle i know.... i hope you don't mind i used your "Acceptance " and email it to my daughter who is going through a tough relationship time right now .... oh how we hurt when our kids hurt. (( sandra Gams)) I am hurt and angry ..... my thoughts exactly but trying hard to work through all of that ....... i too journal ..... but have not lately and your post reminds me how healthy it is for me personally i know it helps ..... (( Asian Girl)) look at you go with guitar and kick boxing..... you motivate me .... i need to start doing things for me like the yoga i have talked about for over a year !!! ugh ... get going lynda !!!! (( CJ)) how wonderful you had 3 weeks away with a safe and beautiful holiday .... so happy for you .... (( Bill)) how wonderful you walk with only the money you need for coffee ...no money no gambling no temptation,.,,, great , so sorry to hear of you niece being sick ..... hope things work out for the best (( Kim)) so nice to have you back.... i am no help with the computer stuff sorry i am so not a techno person....... hope someone can help (( Carole of BC / Texas)) how blessed we all are that you remind us to live in the day .... today ..... its what we have right now ...... (( Eplin)) nice to see you hope you are ok sounds like you are doing ok ... hanging in there ... thinking of you and wishing you good health..... (( Albert)) hope things are ok in your world as good as they can be...... praying for your wife in her struggles for strength and courage (( Clara, Anna , brenda , Jim , Dave of B , Dennes , Archie and Wendy Cher, Rosmary , Murray , Sing,Tom... everyone else ...)) wishing you all a wonderful gambling free day ... (( Hugs)) lynda
Last Day You Placed A Bet 11/04/11 Location MN Comments: Good Morning Safe Harbor Congratulations to all reaching a milestone today. One day at a time we can do this. Thank You for all the feedback on step 2. It has really given me something to think about. I guess I really have found my higher power. GOD. I’ve never been a church person. But I believe in the power of prayer. I’ve always prayed for other people, or Please God, get me home safely after a night of gambling, or please god let me get my money back, things like that, so I never prayed for myself. I started going to church the first Sunday after my last day I gambled, I have been going every Sunday since. I’m learning to pray for myself, too. I’ve been taking time to reflect and to really want to change. Is it a miracle I’ve gone this long without gambling or is it something more? Higher power ?? I am totally fed up with the misery it has caused me. I don’t want gambling in my life anymore! When I think about how much it has cost me, it makes me sick. Before I stopped gambling, I never really thought about what it was doing to me or my family. Only thought about the next time I could go. I don’t want to gamble anymore!! Continuing the 10 questions Have you ever sold anything to finance gambling? Yes Were you reluctant to use gambling money for normal expenditures? Yes Did gambling ever make you careless of the welfare of yourself or your family? Yes Did you ever gamble longer than you planned? Always Have you ever gambled to escape worry or trouble? Yes Have you ever committed or considered committing an illegal act to to finance gambling? I don’t think so Did gambling cause you to have difficulty sleeping.? Yes Do arguments, disappointments or frustrations create within you an urge to gamble? Yes Did you ever have an urge to celebrate any good fortune by a few hours of gambling? Yes Have you ever considered self destruction or suicide as a result of your gambling? I don’t think so Most compulsive gamblers will answer yes to at least 7 of these questions. I answered yes to 17 of these questions. I know I’m a compulsive gambler and I will always be. I know I need to work on this everyday. Once a cucumber turns into a pickle, it can never go back to being a cucumber.. LOL So true. Have a wonderful day. Gamble free.. One day at a time we can do this. I don't gamble anymore.. Love Kariann
Last Day You Placed A Bet 10/01/2011 Location CA Comments: Hello Safe Harbor, I have a hard time letting things go. Something started between me and a family member about a year ago and it is still not resolved. We both agreed at that time what we would each do to try to cope with a family problem that was facing us. Neither one of us were obligated to do this. In fact she just volunteered to help. She didn't keep her end of the agreement and never mentioned it. I followed through on my part and it was never talked about, but there has been this tension between us ever since, although we have never mentioned it. I would have liked to just have let it be, but I guess she wanted to try and clear her conscience. So, now a year later she brings it up and apologizes(not for not doing what she said she would) but for not telling me she was not going to do it. And no explanation as to why. I had figured that much out on my own about a year ago. I just wish she had never even brought it up again. I felt like it was over and done with and now it's all I can think about (my compulsive thoughts at work overtime) On a more positive note. I went to morning mass yesterday and prayed for guidance and peace and forgiveness in my heart. I also took a long walk (it was a beautiful sunny day. I baked some lemon bars with lemons off of my tree ( it is just loaded this year). I shared the lemon bars with my neighbor, as we don't need that many sweets around. Today I am spending the day with my daughter and grandson. We are driving up to the foothills to a small town there. We will stroll around the town and do a little shopping, visit my favorite yarn shop and have lunch at the best place for miles for burgers and sweet potato fries  . And it is another beautiful sunny day. Take care and stay gamble free. Peace.ges
Last Day You Placed A Bet 1992 Who can honestly beleive that simple fact. LOL Location Calgary Canada Comments: My name is Dave of Beckenham. I am a compulsive Gambler! Today my pains from my past are being nurtured and healed, my fears willingly faced and frustrations resolved.
I use to blame everyone and everything for how I use to feel and how I use to blame everyone and everything for my reaction in anger.
For me I now understand that my anger was a reaction to feelings of pain feelings of fear or feelings of frustrations.
For me I now understand that it is my responsibility to heal my feelings of pains face my feelings of fear and understand my feelings of frustration was due to my expectations of the world and other people.
When I walked in to recovery the person I feared facing the most was myself yet it took me decades to recognize that simple fact.
I enjoy the benefits of the smaller meetings because people often feel more comfortable sharing them self with other people and talk at a much deeper level.
For the first 10% of my life I suffered emotional and physical abuse.
For the next 10% period of my life I suffered sexual emotional and physical abuse.
I now understand that I was born free of all fears as a new born child and had some very healthy spiritual values.
The consequence of physical and more importantly emotional pain is fear and lack of trust so that every fear I had from the age of 20 years of age caused fears to inhibit me from living my life to the full.
It became the simple thing to do talk about the money and the addictions, it took time to dig deeper and talk from the heart.
I am sure that there will be people in recovery who will never heal their hurt inner child and may never be able to cry or express their feeling both male and females people.
The most costly bet I could have had was to lose my family and lose those people that loved me.
My mother is now over 90 years old and we talk most days, we both understand that in our past we did and said some very unhealthy things.
The past which cannot be changed but our relationship can grow each day when we are both free of our fears.
I am often asked at what point should a person consider counseling, the best answer I can give is when a person feels free of most fears and is able to open up and talk about their child hood with fear inhibiting them.
How long did it take me to talk from the heart and give up talking war stories. Sadly far to long.
Sadly people think that serenity prayer is about doing nothing about people or things we do not control or regulate or we do not say some to unhealthy people who have an adverse effect on our own well being.
I spent most of my life feeling like a victim of unhealthy people, Today I am not willing to live in my silence I need and want to speak up for myself in every healthy way possible.
The spiritual recovery works when we work spiritual values in to our life.
In the old days I use to say “I have to” that was obsessive thinking and talking.
Today I need to understand what are my wants and needs financially physically emotionally spiritually and sexually.
I now understand that sex is not love, I now understand that being humble is not being weak in fact the exact opposite is true.
Being humble is not about allowing unhealthy people to have an adverse effect on us or to live like a victim in the pains of my past.
I now understand that being honest is very healthy and that I can be honest without hurting or offending people.
Yet I needed to be honest with myself first of all.
To be honest with myself I needed to recognize my fears and face my fears and my nervousness.
My list of fears is and was quite long and it took me a large part of my life to overcome those fears.
I spent most of my early life nervous anxious stressed out resentful and did not understand why. I was very nervous of the opposite sex and did not understand why.
I had low self esteem and a low self sense of self worth long before my addictions and obsessions I might even say I felt that I felt the way I felt was mainly due to outside extremes.
It took me many years to understand that I really feared aggression and confrontation and that was very much tied up to the anger that existed between my parents.
Yet one would question understanding how painful it was living with such aggression and confrontation I then turned out to be that very same kind of person.
How could it be that I feared aggression and confrontation yet I was the main cause of aggression and confrontation with in my own family.
I started to understand that my aggression and confrontation was about trying to push my will and beliefs on to other people, I use to feel clever in myself by regulating other people.
Yet now understand it was all a cover up to hide the fact I felt so over sensitive vulnerable immature inadequate inept not only as a person and as an adult but felt very vulnerable as a man.
For me to understand strength I needed to understand healthy spiritual interactions which was lacking in people around me in my child hood, often I would see but not understand that people were false to them self not only by their words but by their actions.
I now understand that there were spiritual people in my life for a reason, some I would understand till much later in my life, yet some people might see and feel that spiritual people are weak people.
How wrong can they be, humble and spiritual people are healthy people who do not have an adverse effect on other people and are often people who encourage and nurture the best out of other people.
Early in my life most people in my life were unhealthy and had an unhealthy influence on me yet the spiritual people helped me understand that there were good healthy people in the world yet they were few and far apart.
How could I lose sight of what was healthy in my life.
Abstaining on its own is not recovery, that there is no longer reason to change towards healthy spiritual lives.
I am still feeling very vulnerable due to my physical sickness at this time, and as I know from the past the physical well being can cause me to feel vulnerable emotionally.
There is no doubt in mind today that if we all heal and nurture our pains of the past that trauma and pain can become our strength today.
I am not willing to go against other peoples belief system whatever that may be it is not my place to do such things and now understand people beliefs system is their choice at that time. The wording in red book step three “Gamblers anonymous is a spiritual program, not a religious fellowship.” It is important to understand that anyone can find healing spiritual recovery without having any kind of religious beliefs what so ever, this fact is not mentioned often enough about recovery being a spiritual recovery program.
That existing in fear, existing in buried pain and trauma, existing in a facade, existing in tension, existing escaping responsibility I was not living my life to the full.
Love and peace to everyone.
Dave of Beckenham
Comments: Clara wtg on reaching 2 months.you have earned it and to everyone reachiing a milestone..one day at a time..there is nothing truer..in life..never know what is ahead..be present..like Jim said in the twerski..The program reminds us that we must deal with today -- the only day we can really do something about.
Last Day You Placed A Bet 1992 Who can honestly beleive that fact? LOL Location Calgary Canada Comments: My name is Dave of Beckenham. I am a compulsive Gambler! Today my pains from my past are being nurtured and healed, my fears willingly faced and frustrations resolved.
I use to blame everyone and everything for how I use to feel and how I use to blame everyone and everything for my reaction in anger.
My actions today are they unconditional and from my heart.
Actions and consequences, how long before I would understand those simple words.
I could not get healthy until I admitted to myself that I had become a very unhealthy person in so many ways.
Recovery was not going to restrict my living but in fact open up great opportunities for me to achieve where at one time I failed on a regular basis.
How could it take so long for me to become aware that emotions and feelings are emotions and feelings one cannot say one emotion and feeling is bad good or evil feelings.
I can say that being angry I hurt myself, I can say that being resentful I hurt myself, I can say that being filled with hatred I hurt myself, that transferring my pains fears or frustrations on other people is not acceptable today and is unhealthy.
Is living in denial just another way of us living in emotional trauma and not able to cope emotionally with how we feel or able to heal and nurture our own pains and that we just bury and suppress our pains.
For me it was not enough for me to be told I had an emotional problem, I both wanted and needed to get a better understanding why I felt so vulnerable and that is why my emotional and physical age did not match up.
It is like taking car to service and they tell you it does not work you know that already, what is the solution and how do we heal and fix things and make thing our self feel better and healthier?
The spiritual recovery program asks us to change yet there is a big reluctance for the spiritual recovery program to change with its changing people.
Every person I talk to I encourage them to ask and question everything about recovery, we want them to not only have a clear understanding about spiritual growth but to understand why each of the spiritual values is important to our growth.
Today I understand my reaction to other people is my responsibility, my anger is my responsibility, my happiness is my responsibility, and that happiness does not come about due to material things and money.
Money never resolved any emotional issues for me in any way. Money gives me more choices in life.
I think that if we have not found our self in a healthy way that sudden huge amounts of money can certainly ruin us completely.
I use to think that recovery program was about controlling me, not it is the exact opposite the recovery program helps me help myself get better.
Once one is with a sponsor it is very important that the person takes full responsibility of their new healthy actions and healthy habits.
Is there anything I can do or say to make a person become a healthier person?
No sadly that is something that is their choice it is a full conscious decision to identify that every time I go against spiritual values cheat lie or take easy option I am hurting myself.
Once I saw myself in other people I saw it as they were a rat in a wheel going faster and faster and getting nowhere. That was so much me for far to long of my life.
It was simply like I was working for the gambling establishments for nothing, working for decades and giving those gambling establishments my food my cloths my holidays my choice of new cars and taking from my family and saying that I did not deserve and we did not deserve the nice things in life.
Not putting effort in to my recovery had nothing to do about the spiritual recovery program it had everything to do about me not valuing myself.
Every time I said to myself “oh who cares any way” had nothing to do about other people but me saying I was willing to give up all faith and hope in myself.
I use to react in an unhealthy way to people pushing religion on me, why was that, could it be that the religious people in my child hood were hypocrites?
That those hypocrite religious people in my child hood did the worst damage to me and caused emotional trauma and pain to my well being?
Or was it that I was bullied in to going to church.
I now understand that people who bully and try to regulate and control other people are very weak inept very inadequate people who try to push their will on to others.
Yet I fully understand that in being spiritual it is important for me to give people a balanced image of what spiritual recovery is all about.
I am fortunate that people in our meetings explain clearly their belief system in a non threatening way to other people.
Yet step two is very important for new people if they lack any form of belief what so ever, what is the first thing that they feel when entering in to recovery.
It is my responsibility to help new people feel comfortable and demonstrating fearlessness they will feel comfortable and in their own time be honest with the rooms.
If we do our job in a healthy way we will demonstrate complete honesty without causing offence or embarrassing people.
People for sure are filled with fear which they are not able to articulate and express clearly, yet by our honesty and being free of fear they will feel comfortable with them self and feel comfortable with other people.
So we understand that lack of honesty is tied up to fear and lack of trust, we eventually understands we could even trust our self with money.
Yet letting go of money is and was very difficult to people because they feel they are being treated like little children.
Well money was and is the fuel for my addictions and obsessions, you can take away the fuel but it takes time to remove the want and need to escape in fear and live a spiritually stronger life.
For me the spiritual recovery program gave me choices to live a healthy life without lying stealing deceiving putting on a face or put a facade.
In 1969 when I first walked into the spiritual recovery program I did not think that I wanted or needed the recovery program.
It took over 20 years, I could say over 30% of my life to be able to learn and listen.
Being honest deep down I knew that I was going against my conscience and going against spiritual values but could not help myself.
It was a long before my addictions that I was living in fear, that I felt inept inadequate an insecure in many aspects of my life.
Sadly fear inhibited me from being mature and accountable because I feared being honest.
The old saying that honesty is the best policy seemed very strange to me for most of my life, I now understand that honesty a sign of a healthy person with healthy relationships.
While I was in the grips of my addiction I was filled with fear and I felt that the adrenaline rush was happiness, because the adrenaline was coupled with excitement I assumed incorrectly again that was happiness.
The truth was I escaped to my addictions and my obsessions due to the fact I could not cope with my emotional triggers, which were pain fear frustrations loneliness and boredom.
Deep down I did not know that I was a survivor, one counselor asked me if I understood how far I had healed and nurtured from my traumatic pain filled childhood.
Because of the therapies and the honesty from people's hearts I was able to be open and be honest and expose the very depths of myself without feeling fear and I have been able to learn to trust people once more.
The wording in red book step three “Gamblers anonymous is a spiritual program, not a religious fellowship.” It is important to understand that anyone can find healing spiritual recovery without having any kind of religious beliefs what so ever, this fact is not mentioned often enough about recovery being a spiritual recovery program.
That existing in fear, existing in buried pain and trauma, existing in a facade, existing in tension, existing escaping responsibility I was not living my life to the full.
Love and peace to everyone.
Dave of Beckenham
Last Day You Placed A Bet march 6/2002 Location same spot Comments: ITS A NEW DAY
didnt think I had time to read ..but I did and happy I did..Brenda..omg..I so agree with Anna..10 dress sizes..awesome..good for YOU and keep up the good work
Last Day You Placed A Bet 1992 Location Calgary Canada Comments:
Just for today I WILL try to live through this day only and not tackle my whole life problem at once. (Not allow fear stress panic anxiety and fear based issues to cause doubt in myself or my actions.)
Just for today I WILL be happy. This assumes to be true what Abraham Lincoln said, that: “most folks are as happy as they make up their minds to be.” (No one controls my happiness today. Happiness is for me being content within myself in who and what I am today an how I conduct my life)
Just for today I WILL adjust myself to what is and not try to adjust every thing to my own desires. I WILL take each day as it comes and fit myself to it. (Living for today only, not allowing things I have no control over to affect my healthy being, not let anxiety and stress of tomorrow to cause me to live in fear of doing recovery today)
Just for today I WILL strengthen my mind. I WILL study. I WILL learn some thing useful. I WILL not be a mental loafer. I WILL read some thing that requires effort, thought and concentration. (I will strengthen my character and I will strengthen my conscience practicing spiritual actions; recovery is about healthy progress which builds self confidence in our actions and stay focused on healthy spiritual growth and progressive actions today)
Just for today I WILL exercise my soul in three ways: I would do some body a good turn and not get found out: if any body knows of it, it will not count: I WILL do at least two things I do not want to do – just for exercise. (A good turn is giving of myself, the action is spiritual based, doing 2 things I do not want to do is often things I know I need to do but are reluctant to do)
Just for today I WILL be agreeable. I WILL look as well as I can, dress becomingly, talk low, act courteously, criticize not one bit, not find fault with any thing, and not try to improve or regulate any body but myself. (Understand that I do not control anyone else but myself and my actions, accepting the serenity prayer fully in to my life and my actions)
Just for today I WILL have a program. I may not follow it exactly but I WILL have it. I WILL save myself from two pests – hurry and indecision. (Stay focused on healthy actions and my things to do list, and not rush recovery but enjoy it, I will think things out clearly, but more importantly in doing things slower I become more considerate patient and tolerant of other people and of myself)
Just for today I WILL have a quiet half hour all by myself and relax. During this half-hour some time, I WILL try to get a better perspective of my life. (Time to reflect and get clarity and focused on the healthiest path and actions I need and want in my life each day)
Just for today I WILL be unafraid. Especially I WILL not be afraid to enjoy what is beautiful and to believe that, as I give to the world, so the world will give to me. (In being free of fears will make me more honest, improve relationships, and set my inner child free)
Just for today I WILL not gamble. (It is the beginning of a more spiritual life and gaining a healthier way of living)
Last Day You Placed A Bet 1992 Location Calgary Canada Comments: 1 Did you ever lose time from work or school due to gambling?
Due to my unhealthy fear based issues obsessive and addictive escaping actions also in to deviating and escaping facing myself and my feelings I did not have to face my emotions my vulnerabilities or my triggers. So much effort time and energy was missing from me being a healthy spiritual person, gambling was all consuming absorbing and obsessive. I missed out on the ability to listen and absorbing information due to my fears and was not able to listen to good advice during my school and college work years and with in every relationship before recovery and the spiritual healing process.
2 Has gambling ever made your home life unhappy?
Gambling establishments never hurt my family I DID. Gambling establishments never lied to my family I DID. Gambling establishments never stole money from me or my family I DID. Gambling establishments never made me do something I did not want to do, it was my unhealthy actions and my unhealthy attitude due to my unhealthy anger which were due to feelings of pain fears and frustrations that made me have unhealthy resentments reacting in unhealthy ways and talking in unhealthy ways that made my life and our home life hell and with those horrible unhealthy emotional rollercoaster rides I use to go through.
3 Did gambling affect your reputation?
Gambling establishments never affected my reputation it was my unhealthy actions due to the fact I felt I was a very weak inept immature inadequate insecure angry unreliable person and due to lack of my healthy spiritual values and unhealthy words and my unhealthy actions and my unhealthy ways of transferring my pains fears and frustrations that affected my reputation. I lived a lie and lived in denial not being able to face myself. Every time I tried to justify and blame my unhealthy actions meant I went against spiritual values and went against my own conscience.
4 Have you ever felt remorse after gambling?
I have felt depressed miserable remorseful guilty ashamed pain fears and frustrations loneliness and boredom long before the gambling and then I lived in fear of facing the consequences of my unhealthy actions I have felt so many pains and fears, pain from my guilt, the pains from my shame the misery the despair and remorse, because of the pain I was carrying I felt fear and frustration due to my lack of control and my lack of responsibility and my lack of control in my life due to my unhealthy actions while gambling of trying to escape from myself.
5 Did you ever gamble to get money with which to pay debts or otherwise solve financial difficulties?
Money was the fuel for my addictions you can take away the money but it will not remove or resolve the feelings of fear when I felt vulnerable and had certain triggers. There was not enough money in the world to fulfill my gambling needs. No matter how much I gambled I would never feel content and happy with myself. Every time I tried to get some for nothing I was cheating myself.
6 Did gambling cause a decrease in your ambition or efficiency?
My obsessive thinking and behavior became all consuming and living in my fears and pains stopped me from putting my heart in to healthy spiritual actions due to the pain I was living in I had no choice but to live in complete fear and even lacked confidence and was filled with self doubt, the levels of pain I was feeling also caused any feelings of love to be suppressed. I was not able to love and live in pain and fear at the same time. I did not know it I had become unlovable person. An unlovable person is a person who lives in pain and fear all the time.
7 After losing did you feel you must return as soon as possible and win back your losses?
After losing I was angry at myself and wanted vengeance for the pain and fear and frustrations I was feeling. I felt like a victim that I had no say in the old days as to what I did next with my life I felt like a victim and a slave to the gambling that the gambling controlled my life. In effect I worked for decades for the gambling establishments for nothing and got nothing back but pain fear and frustration in myself.
8 After a win did you have a strong urge to return and win more?
If ever I did win I was on such an adrenaline high I did not want it to stop or to come down from that buzz. I even thought that the adrenaline rush and the buzz was happiness. That everything else in life seemed so slow and boring. The fact was that I had become very boring and isolated in myself because I live in fear all the time yet could not admit it to myself.
9 Did you often gamble until your last dollar was gone?
Yes I did lose everything I lost the ability to listen to my conscience & use to borrow money I knew I could not pay back, as I saw it as the easy option and saw it as the only way out of any difficult situation I had placed myself in once more. Yet every time I gambled I just made things much worse for myself and for people around me.
10 Did you ever borrow to finance your gambling?
Yes I did borrow money as I saw money was the answer to all my emotional problems. I even saw money as the only path to happiness and to being successful in life.
11 Have you ever sold anything to finance gambling?
Due to my unhealthy actions I sold my soul my faith in myself and my conscience to gambling.
12 Were you reluctant to use "gambling money" for normal expenditures?
I use to think that gambling money was a normal expenditure.
13 Did gambling make you careless of the welfare of yourself or your family?
Once I was obsessed and when I was in action in gambling I could not care about myself, as I was not able to care about myself I was not able to care about anyone else, nothing else mattered or was important, not even myself. Everyone else Shirley my wife Mark my son my mum and everything was came second place to my gambling and finding money.
14 Did you ever gamble longer than you had planned?
Due to my actions I gambled more than 3 decades longer than I planned that represents about 50% of my life gambling and being unhealthy spiritually.
15 Have you ever gambled to escape worry, trouble, boredom or loneliness?
My triggers and vulnerability were to escape pain fear frustrations, to escape boredom or the loneliness and the longer I was in my addiction and obsessive living the more I became consumed by my fears.
16 Have you ever committed, or considered committing, an illegal act to finance gambling?
Due to my unhealthy actions I was in prison twice and felt that I was not responsible for my actions and being there even though it was due to my actions. Deep down I knew I was responsible for being there. I even cried myself to sleep each night like a little lost hurt baby child.
17 Did gambling cause you to have difficulty in sleeping?
Due to my actions at gambling I found it difficult to sleep and difficult to have healthy relationships and to give of myself because my own conscience caused me so much pain through feeling guilty and ashamed of my unhealthy actions. I even felt at times I did not deserve to be loved by my family or cared for by them.
18 Did arguments, disappointments or frustrations create within you an urge to gamble?
Aggression confrontation and arguments were my anger spilling out which was due to feelings of pain fear and frustrations I could not deal with. I wanted to escape from how I felt emotionally within myself. In time I learned you cannot escape or run from yourself or your fears. How often do people switch from addiction to another obsession because they are not willing to or able to open up and talk from the heart.
19 Did you ever have an urge to celebrate any good fortune by a few hours of gambling?
I did not know how to celebrate and interact in a healthy spiritual way or to be myself in a healthy way with other people. I was so filled with pain and fear and I could only live in fear and put up a facade and put up a false front. How many people use drink to overcome nervousness when facing people.
20 Have you ever considered self destruction or suicide as a result of your gambling?
In my life I have tried suicide and self destruction due to living in pain I could not cope with or face from a very early age and failed suicide terribly but it was long before Gambling, yet often considered ending the pain I was putting myself through in the later years of my gambling.
Comments: Today's thought from Hazelden is: You are reading from the book:
Location paraphrased courtesy of Jim A Comments: Live in the Present - Almost every alcoholic I know has been remorseful following drinking, and has vowed never to drink again, but does it anyway. (Similarly, many a problem / compulsive gambler has felt remorse after leaving a casino, vowing never to return, but on another day does it anyway.) A wise man can see the present. Preoccupation with the future is an escape from the present. We can make plans and resolutions, and fantasize to our heart's content. That's what "I'll quit tomorrow" is all about. It is the difficult present that requires so much effort. The demands of the present are real, and any sacrifices must be made now. The program reminds us that we must deal with today -- the only day we can really do something about.
Last Day You Placed A Bet 10/16/04 Comments: Thank you for your posts! My mind is swimming with so many helpful thoughts! Kim Brenda helped me too when living with an alcoholic. I went to alanon meetings and they truly are wonderful meetings to go to. I want to get back into them. You brought up a great point about cyber space. When we think our names are not out there in reality they are. I too googled my name and was appalled that people can purchase info about me from several sites. What can I do? Well I can write to each of these entities and ask them to remove my information. This is a long process and one that may need to be done repeatedly so I need to weigh this decision and take proactive steps or accept that my info is out there. Honestly even while typing this I'm freaked out about it. I'm very aware of this. I think it's proactive that you did a search for yourself. Maybe you. Could write the yahoo group and ask them to remove your name? In searching for info for your ex that's where alanon will be helpful. Trust me I know the anger pain and frustration with being hurt by others. When I focus on it my day becomes emotional and I allow these people to take away my energy...they don't deserve my energy. I'd rather place my energy into proactive work that improves my life and the lives near me who I love. Jima thank you again for your posts. Cj I was curious what states in the us are standing firm on the no casinos and gaming. I read about it mostly because it's competition for our Nevada economy but also when the idea of raising money through gaming taxes in other states come up with it are several discussions of the pros and cons including compulsive gambling addictions. My heart hurts when states decide that gaming would be a good source of there income. I'm glad Utah is still standing firm against it. Not an easy thing to do when the economy is not so strong. My hubby is in Vegas for work and called me. One of his coworkers won some money so they were all working on him to pay for dinner. I reminded my hubby that they need to leave this person alone and even if this person does not gamble much there is a greater chance that the win may play with his mind as it has done with so many. I was thinking how grateful I am that my hubby never had a big win. We are oc people. I think it would be too much for him and me too. Wow it's hard typing this out...I just hate addictions so much. I hate that my spouse is in Vegas right now even though it's for work temptations are so strong there for oc persons as him and I are. I pray that his program gets him through and home safely. Brenda thanks for the look in the mirror and smile at yourself three times daily..I love that and will use it with my daughter. And yes go you on losing those dress sizes!! I'm so incredibly proud of you. You work soooooo very hard. Keep it up you are totally motivating!
Comments: FEBRUARY 9 Reflection for the Day
Comments: (( bill d )) good to see you back
Last Day You Placed A Bet 12/17/05 Comments: GOOD EVENING SAFE HARBOR CONGRATS TO THE MILESTONERS TODAY WOO HOO WTG WELCOME TO NEWCOMERS AND THOSE RETURNING (( KIM )) I really dont have the answer to the question you were asking... I am what I call a lo-tech person lol. I am glad you found us.. truly I believe people are placed into our path for a reason...finding us could be ur reason I saw myself in your post. the person I was when I first came to safe harbor.... the anger.. the hurt... the dread... the fear.. the anger. Living with an alcoholic... or any other type of addict... leaves alot of emotional scars.. ones that if we dont seek help in healing .. sometimes never heal. The fact that you were checking up on an .. ex-boyfriend.... says to me that ... you have many hurts under your belt. I have been there also. Oh my..... the times I plotted and planned retaliations... the ugly thoughts... the hurts I wanted to throw back at him. Scream anything... throw anything... wanting to say .... can't you just see how much you hurt me???? for once ??? And I kept those feelings alive... the anger was my driving force to keep going. I wasn't going to let him take me out... altho .. I managed to pick up an addiction of my own ( gambling ) in order to run from the insanity at home...and in doing that .. I almost destroyed my own self. No one is worthy enough to make us destroy our lives. We have allowed those kinds of people... to filtrate in and stay. What has helped me with all of that the most was seeking out support in gam anon and al anon. It was in those rooms ... i found me. I love my GA program and my GA meetings and without the support of my brothers and sisters in that area of my life.. who knows where I would be today ... but ...... my healing... my heart healing.... came from al anon. I highly suggest checking it out.... it just might .. help save your life like it did mine . Good news from my trainer wtg me !!! I was in a bit of tizzy this morning when she texted me and laid out the plan.... measuring, weighing, assessments, bmi... lbm.. ( bmi... body mass index... lbm.. lean body mass ) oh and btw... im moving u up an hour earlier.. wear something tight fitting. She has no idea ... how much she threw me off balance lol.... she does now tho lol. I did tell her ... there is a process that must happen when you are dealing with.. addicts lol.. first I must hear the info.... process it.... process it some more.... then figure out the stuff it takes to be ok with it....then more thinking about the positives that may come out of it... rationalizations... then ok lets do it. All that requires more then 30 min notice lol. So I go in .. copping a plea.. having an attitude ( yea i can have an attitude )... fearing no weight loss or not good numbes u know lol. She says to me... have u worked hard ? i said yes... have you done the best or nearly the best that you can do at this time... i said yes... she said..are u following the plan I wrote out for you for the week ? i said yes....( h she upped me to working out in some form 6 days a week now ) then how can you have bad results ? She got me... oh well.. I did the best i could.... so .. I stepped ont he scale, did the assessments ( timed tests ), didnt do the measurements she thought that I would be too affected if the numbers didnt change very much so wait till next time and just focus on having gone down... 10 dress sizes. But today... and the last few days... it has come to my attention... as much as I have improved in my recovery I still have work to do . This self-image thing... has been something I havent worked on very much. Kind of put it to the back burner...now is time to move it forward.... work on it... eliminate it. Going back to what Max taught me.... just say thank you when someone compliments you.... journal where u were and how far you have come.. thank your ( my ) Higher Power for helping you to get this far .. knowing He will be with you the rest of the journey...never diminish the hard work that you have done.... keep your eyes on your finished product so you dont get off the path.... yep .. good advice he gave me... still is with me altho Max doesn't come here often anymore  tis a great loss for safe harbor . Jimmymac gave me an exercise to do when I first came here.... promise me brenda... 3 x a day .... smile at yourself in the mirror. Do this for 2 wks. Then get back with me. You promise ? gulp... I promised. He already knew if I promised I had to do it lol. I never promised.. lightly after I began recovery lol. So I did that ... ( cause I hated to see myself in a mirror... I had very low self-esteem ) and at the end of the two weeks... I was putting on make-up... making faces at myself.. smiling more ... feeling better... remembered I had pretty eyes at one time lol..... I don't need to do that exercise.. I have quite alot of self-esteem in alot of areas... now I just have to finish the job.... complete the assignment.... bring it home. Tight clothes ?? might be a problem lol I mean tight on purpose lol Ive had some get tight due to weight gain lol. Anyways... just posting some things that I need to work on.... can never have too many accomplishments... lest I become stagnate and complacent.only fitting to end my post on ..... POWER OF ACCEPTANCE When the world seems to be falling down around you, you can choose to fall down with it or you can chooe a more positive path. Acceptance will put you on that positive path. Fighting against negativity only produces more negativity. Yet when you accept what is, no matter how terrible and difficult it may be, you put yourself in a position to start changing it for the better. Acceptance does not mean giving in or giving up. It means moving on, as in moving on ahead. There is simply no point in fighting battles which have already been lost, nor is there any point in allowing the loss to continue to slow you down. The smart strategy is to accept it and then put all your energy toward a positive pursuit. Acceptance does not mean allowing others to take advantage of you. It simply means that you look realistically at what has happened and allow yourself to see the positive opportunities that are most certainly there. Once you accept what is, you are free to move positively forward. Once you quit fighting, you are free to start achieving. --Ralph Marston courtesy of JIM A..... 3/14/07 my archives May we all accept what needs accepting so that we may continue to move forward with free abandonment ysir Brenda
Last Day You Placed A Bet June 04/02 and Gratefulllllllllllllllllll Location Milder, sunnier South Western Ont..Canada Comments: Hi alllllllll Harborites.. Sandra here a NON gambler Today. -- To All who haven't placed a bet in the last '24 hrs WTG. To All who won't be placing a bet in this set of '24 hrs..WTG. Including me.. --------- Been very busy .. Attending to On -line meetings here and into chat , yacking away..On the phone with family + via skype , messenger..Daily contacts , and emails .. .--Yesterday I took a ME day where I lazed around and did meal preparation , cleaned up ..but not anything major.. --Today was different.. Spent my time on computer .. then logged off, and heading for all my Windows with cloth/paper towels and Windex...cleaning and then taking all curtains , drapes , sheers down and laundering them. ---I don't dilly dally with not paying all payments on anything coming due. The money is there ,so out it goes. Then I can budget what is left and divide it up weekly til the end of the month. .---Sometimes I wish I had more money coming in ; but that is not happening. I am retired since last August now and I do have my needs and wants met . I just keep my ''focus on Priorities first .. 'And I always remember this Ditty my sponsor said to me.> If Wishes were horses beggers would ride " ..---I do have another job prospect for driving again ; but am considering it ''lightly, am not sure I want to head back out the door ---to drive for anyone ;but am pondering it ----I turned down 2 private types of jobs this week , I gave it the '''48 hr rule.. and said "NO".....--I am 67 but that is only age #..I Kinda like to be at home most of the time to do things I like doing for me now. ..---Then again I do like driving where I get to travel and see the sights --I kinda miss that ..so I know there is a strong pull towards driving again. ..What will Be Will Be...eh ? -- --Bill D , yes you have a beautiful ocean side walkway there , how many times I drove by with a Vehicle in delivery from the Docks to Ontario and wished I could walk around ; but no time .. other than a night sleep at Bedford..then off we went..----And the many ''States I drove through in 09..covering many miles.. and borders , tolls.. I always laughed at the exit at the border crossing in Champlain Quebec..when asked If I had $10,000 dollars coming into Canada,, I would say , iffen I had that I would still be Shopping ... .----------- During those trips weekly from Monday to Thursday in 09.. I carried a few Dollars.. for fuel.. and expenses, $1,500 most times every week ; but not once was I tempted to 'stop or think , hey I can gamble. NOPE.  ..It didn't cross my mind..at all. But I did pass some places that looked like Venues.. ; but again there were other visuals I prefered to glance at ..The country side in every state < Province took my breath away , I was in Awe most times.. IN fact I think it was the ''Freedom ''I enjoyed at the best of times.. . AND GAMBLING TO ''ME''' IS NOT A FREE THING ,IT COST ME, JOBs ,BROKEN RELATONS WITH MY LOVED ONE,SONS DISTAIN, BANK ACCOUNTS, VALUES, DITCHED FRIENDS, IGNORED RELATIVES, REJECTED GRAND KIDS..in fact it repesented a 'lost life.. Which.. When I FINALLY - stopped gambling I started to have what I tossed aside and ambraced it in my life again.. And I liked that ''Gift of Freedom..  It was a day to day walk with much footwork.. No ONE person or my HIGHER POWER was going to do for me, what I needed to get up and Do For MYself. ..And I am glad because any bail out I had previously had was a 'temporary crippling affect in me , I had already been bailed out enough and all it did was Prolong my Mysery. ,,----- Today am happy to have what I have .. simple pleasure Dennis Y so true........ freedom to enjoy what is there. That at one time I did not care about.. But when Gambling was active the focus was on the 'Next Bet.. and once it was driven out of the ''ONe day still in my "Yet " part of my brain by ''CONSEQUENCES'' I struggled ..To control the uncontrolable...futile it was.. But only Pain got my Attention..!! to STop.. The Lies did me in. And am grateful for that. ..------------------ This life I Live in , is filled with Positive..As long as I keep an Open mind , and have close intimate relations,where I can NAME , CLAM AND VENT , when I hear myself .. I hear the Solution. ..Also when new to recovery I journelled and some times I started off writing my thoughts and feelings when things bothered me .. after 3 sheets.. of ramblings .. there was the answer at the bottom of the third sheet .. I am Hurt and Angry ''' but the bull ka ka to get there was filled with skirting it due to having to confront it with whom ever .. And it was facing the truth and sharing it , was the answer for me. ..And the ones I can''t face I put in a God Prayer. I can't, HE Can, I think I'd better LET HIM for now ...Amen....----------Rope of Hope ----life is NOW..precious moments..the reality of the HERE AND NOW--(''''')-(''''')------hang in , hang on , hold tight------the winds of time can blow...And the saying of an old AA thought .."Anger is the Wind that Blows out all Reason.".is true for me.. When I am angry now I git busy and use that Energy to motivate me.. and for some strange reason.. I forget what is gnawing at me.. ..--------Stay strong, stay Safe.Stay Connected, Isolation used to be my 'enemy.. then I found an outlet to start to talk again called ''Recovery from gambling Isolation in GA -with Restoring myself, my family & Values and found me again.. ..I am not giving up ME again for no lousy bet.. --- Sandra gams5.. Scroll iffen need be..is okay..I type from the heart and no bull ka ka, this is my Authentic me..
Last Day You Placed A Bet 738 days ago Location Surrey, BC Comments: Good afternoon to all, I hope everyone is doing well. Well enough not to gamble just for today. Ever since I had enough with this tourtue, I never had a thought or an urge to want to gamble. I am lucky that way. But as life is getting better each day. I need to remember the pain I went through the last 2 years. I cannot be complancent. I am celebrating my 2 years in GA this Friday at my home group. I don't like attention, but I must change that attitude that I need to acknowledge that I did do a good job of not gambling. Maybe there will be a newbie there and if they can see it is working for someone, they might try it too. We must pass on the message and I am at the point that if anyone wants help, I will reach out to help them. Sometimes, you do see people come into the program, you know they are not ready. They might just had a bad gambling day and they think by going to GA, they can relieve some pain. After over 16 years of this program, I saw ALOT of people came in and out, including myself. I am just glad I keep coming back. GA has given me alot of good years, and I do know it works if I want it. But I need to remember I am running out of chances and time in life. It is time to smarten up. Ever since my court case has settled, I had proceed with some of the things I want to do. I started guitar lesson and I started kick boxing. I believe some friends think I am doing too much, but I feel good doing it. I do have to remember I need a balance in my life too. I guess internally I am so happy that I can do normal things now that I don't want to miss a minute in my life. When I was sitting in a casino, I was wasting my life to a stupid diease that controls me every department of my life. How did this happen to me? Over a period of time, it did and like they said, it is a progressive illness. If we continue to gamble, we will get to our lowest point, there is no doubt of that. I am a giving proof of what this diease can do to me. I have done and acted to support this illness. I have no shame when I am in it. That is not me. I don't want to be that person again. I am better then that. Nothing or noone can bring me back to the misery again. This is the time when I have to build strength and patience. I need to believe there is hope and faith out there. Don't give up, it works if you work it.
Location Sask Comments: (((John H))) ... LMOA, good one!
Comments: In the middle of my last post i got a phone call from my niece and since I use the Internet at the local library and only get an hour at a time before the computer shuts down and resets I posted what I had written before it disappeared into nothingness and I had to begin again. My family relationships are strained to put it mildly due in apart to my years of irresponsible gambling but for more reasons then that. Over the years my niece has taken it upon herself to try to get all of my family together. It is definitely a daunting task but what she seems to enjoy. she called to tell me ( she is calling all the family personally so everyone gets the facts straight *** her words ***) that the doctors fear she has a brain tumor and she has some tests tomorrow followed by more net week. The only reason I mention it is because now my thoughts are more on her and not on what I was trying to say here in my post. I wanted to mention how I sometimes have difficulty with people who I perceive to be just trying to preach. when I come here it is easy for me to just skip over their post and dismiss them. If I attend a meeting in person and this happens I seem to just get angry and that is not a good thing for me. I internalize my anger and hurt no one but myself. I might look mean with my leathers and biker tattoos but believe me when I tell you I am far from it. Personally I need to change this attitude for me change is not easy. It is something I want to fix in my life and since it is my attitude of intolerance or whatever you want to call it I should be able to change that right. I left my apartment today for my daily walk taking only $2.00 for a coffee with me. I'm glad I did. I have a bad history of using bad news or troublesome events as an excuse to go out and play the vlts. Those $%##$ machines started out as an escape hatch for me from my troubles when I was younger many moons ago Somewhere along the line the escape hatch turned into a trap door. I'm glad I don't have to think about stopping in somewhere along the way home. To be perfectly honest I am not sure what the outcome would have been if I had my wallet with me. Someone told me once to limit my access to money. No money no gambling I'm glad that one is still in my toolbox. Well my belly is telling me that it is supper time and the library is not the place to be with a growling stomach so i will wish you all a good night Bill |
Billd..walking..AG..looking to kick box..Exercising..walking..whatever one chooses..is for sure another great way to keep head space in order. We have not stopped here..golfing, dancing , walking..laughing, playing and my clothes and hubbys are loose..moving..playing and laughing..Will have to keep it up when we get home..another 20 days...~! when we leave.Cj..I know what the roads are lined with to get home..casinos and ads..and why I stay connected, here..I have NO DESIRE whatsoever to gamble, but I keep my daily medicine..all of you..off we go again..have a good day..carpe diem seize the moments..
| < Previous 20 | Next 20 > |
Back to Safe Harbor