My name is Dave of Beckenham I am a compulsive Gambler and will be till the day I DIE!  But today I have pains healed and nurtured, fears faced and frustrations resolved and I live a much healthier spiritual life healthier than ever before in my life just one day at a time.

Life being unmanageable was all about my reaction from pains fears frustrations boredom or loneness to people situation places etc.

I thought that life being unmanageable was because I had run out money and life being unmanageable was about the money and the gambling.

Sadly I was the problem I abstained from gambling and then onto other kinds of distractions anything to avoid facing my true deepest feelings.

Sadly a man I was programmed in to not allowing myself to feel hence woman find it hard to communicate at an emotional level with a man, or is it that woman do not understand out limitations? LOL.

My life was spent saying “I have to do this” or “I have to do that” how come I could not understand my wants and my needs in a healthy way?

Did I want to be honest? You really have to be kidding face the consequences of my actions that is asking for too much?

Why did I fear being honest? Why did I fear showing my true feelings? Was it pain of the past that caused me to live in fear of being honest? 

I see myself as one of the slowest learners going there is; I am very impressed how some of the new people are able to be so open about their feelings from the very first meetings.

I hope as members of GA grow there will be a willingness in the recovery programs to change with its people.

It is funny that if I could have taken a tablet or had an injection to stop my addictions I would have taken it. Sadly the person I would be cheating would be myself.

It took me a long time to learn to listen and then listen to learn what recovery was all about? I have lost count of the number of times after doing the twelve steps I thought I was completed.

I spent so much of my life getting weaker and weaker and becoming a very unhealthy person, yet could not see it myself.

I like many people thought I would never be able to forgive myself; I was so sure that I was going to remain a victim of the pains of my past for the remainder of my life.

Yet there was help for me when I was ready to listen, in time I would understand that by being emotionally victim I was cheating myself of relationships each day.

Anxiety fear pain for me were all fear based feelings, all the emotional pains I went through caused me to live my life in fear and self doubt.

I felt so guilty about one event when I got angry and strangled a young man that lived in the same house and I do say house where I was suppose to safe.

I got so angry that I strangled one of the young lads and left him to die and going blue. I literally walked away knowing he was dying. His brother had to cut his tie as the knot was so badly locked up.

Well I telephoned each of the family and tried to make my amends, sadly each one of them had blanked that experience and that day out completely.

I even talked to the young had I strangled and he thought it had not happened at all. I knew that I was not insane and later called the oldest person up and then found out that the whole family suffered alcoholic father and mother and that there were regular beatings.

So I thought they just blanked out the consequences of my actions. They were very much going through the same pains that I did and they even felt sad for me because I went through so much pains in those days.

From an early age I lashed out in my pains fears and frustrations. I do not want or expect pity that is not what recovery is about. If I am expecting pity then I am remaining the victim.

Forgiving and healing the past is a very powerful tool and is a great sign of strength. But more importantly by healing and the pains and fears fade you are able to live more in to today and able to have healthy relationships.

All the time I was living in pain and fear I was myself unlovable but sadly it affected the relationship I had with myself and it disabled me from living my life with all spiritual values as I should have done.

Every time I reacted from anger which was due to feelings of pain fear or frustrations. In not being able to resolve feelings of pain fear or frustrations I was lost in myself and did not know how to interact in a healthy way.

It is a conscious decision to move from suppressing pain fear or frustrations and allowing myself to feel once more.

No one is going to resolve those emotional issues, there is no such thing as bad feelings or bad emotions, being in touch with your feelings is a healthy things and to overcome holding back those feelings takes time.

People will half agree that it is an emotional issue but to what extent are they willing to talk from the heart and give an honest therapy.

Healthy therapies is about me getting to know myself once more, to let that hurt inner child have a voice and learn to fulfill my emotional wants and needs that were missing from my nurturing years.

Basic emotional needs and wants are and were to feel wanted loved nurtured cared for and protected. In healing process I am able to learn to fulfill my needs today of feeling wanted loved nurtured cared for and protected.

Every time I went towards unhealthy addictions and obsessions I use to say to myself who cares anyway? Was that about how little the world cared about me or how little I cared about myself.

On arriving and attending meetings why was it that I found people cared more about me than I cared about myself. Also why was it that I found people respected me more about me than I respected myself.

Over time people saw more potential in me than I could see in myself, when I achieved things they were happy for me? I was not use to that behavior.

How lonely I use to feel when I was in action, I now feel that main reason for that was I living in fear so as to get the adrenaline rush that I use to think was happiness and fun. Life seemed so boring compared to the gambling.

I use to color my actions to make them sound better than they were. To justify my actions to myself I use to keep remembering those very rare occasions I use to win.

The largest amount that ever I won was about $2,400 how did that compare with regards how much money I wasted in my life one way or another?

Unhealthy habits cost me $10,950 in just one year, over 20 years you can see that how much I won on one occasion was nothing at all.

Yet to avoid facing my feelings I would stay focused and obsessed about that one win. Staying focused on that one win did it help me suppress the pain I was putting myself through?

The gambling establishments never hurt me I hurt myself. They never made me do anything I did not want to do. Yet how can you confuse yourself and lie to yourself and even believe your own lies?

Maybe the truth about your self is just too painful to face? S in time I learned to person I feared facing the most was myself?

Yet what do I know? Did the recovery program do the work for me? Did people in the rooms tell me what to do with my life?

No the program helps me help myself each day, it is only a manual to my life, if I do not use that manual in a healthy way I have got no one to blame but myself.

The program never failed in the past I failed by giving up on myself to often and to frequently.

Love and peace to everyone Dave.

Just for today I WILL try to live through this day only and not tackle my whole life problem at once. (Not allow fear stress panic anxiety and fear based issues to cause doubt in myself or my actions.)

Just for today I WILL be happy. This assumes to be true what Abraham Lincoln said, that: “most folks are as happy as they make up their minds to be.”  (No one controls my happiness today. Happiness is for me being content within myself in who and what I am today an how I conduct my life)

Just for today I WILL adjust myself to what is and not try to adjust every thing to my own desires. I WILL take each day as it comes and fit myself to it. (Living for today only, not allowing things I have no control over to affect my healthy being, not let anxiety and stress of tomorrow to cause me to live in fear of doing recovery today)

Just for today I WILL strengthen my mind. I WILL study. I WILL learn some thing useful. I WILL not be a mental loafer. I WILL read some thing that requires effort, thought and concentration. (I will strengthen my character and I will strengthen my conscience practicing spiritual actions; recovery is about healthy progress which builds self confidence in our actions and stay focused on healthy spiritual growth and progressive actions today)

Just for today I WILL exercise my soul in three ways: I would do some body a good turn and not get found out: if any body knows of it, it will not count: I WILL do at least two things I do not want to do – just for exercise. (A good turn is giving of myself, the action is spiritual based, doing 2 things I do not want to do is often things I know I need to do but are reluctant to do)

Just for today I WILL be agreeable. I WILL look as well as I can, dress becomingly, talk low, act courteously, criticize not one bit, not find fault with any thing, and not try to improve or regulate any body but myself. (Understand that I do not control anyone else but myself and my actions, accepting the serenity prayer fully in to my life and my actions)

Just for today I WILL have a program. I may not follow it exactly but I WILL have it. I WILL save myself from two pests – hurry and indecision. (Stay focused on healthy actions and my things to do list, and not rush recovery but enjoy it, I will think things out clearly, but more importantly in doing things slower I become more considerate patient and tolerant of other people and of myself)

Just for today I WILL have a quiet half hour all by myself and relax. During this half-hour some time, I WILL try to get a better perspective of my life. (Time to reflect and get clarity and focused on the healthiest path and actions I need and want in my life each day)

Just for today I WILL be unafraid. Especially I WILL not be afraid to enjoy what is beautiful and to believe that, as I give to the world, so the world will give to me. (In being free of fears will make me more honest, improve relationships, and set my inner child free)

Just for today I WILL not gamble. (It is the beginning of a more spiritual life and gaining a healthier way of living)

A destination

Life is dynamic and constantly changing. Because of that, your direction is much more important than your position.

Are you moving forward or are you sliding backwards? Wherever you may be, you can begin moving forward at any time.

Though it may take a long while to get there, you can begin going there right now. And doing that can make all the difference in the world.

When there's something desirable, something truly meaningful on the other side of the challenge, you'll find a way through the challenge. Give yourself that powerful advantage.

Give your life a beautiful, fulfilling destination. Give yourself something you'll be excited and enthusiastic about working toward, no matter what.

Point your thoughts, your focus and your actions in a positive and meaningful direction right now. And begin immediately to benefit from the fulfillment of your dreams.

-- Ralph Marston

FEBRUARY 9 Reflection for the Day

The slogan “Live and Let Live” can be extremely helpful when we are having trouble tolerating other people’s behavior. We know for certain that nobody’s behavior – no matter how offensive, distasteful, or vicious – is worth the price of a relapse. Our own recovery is primary, and while we must be unafraid of walking away from people or situations that cause us discomfort, we must also make a special effort to try to understand other people – especially those who rub us the wrong way.

Can I accept the fact that, in my recovery, it is more important to understand than to be understood?

Today I Pray
When I run headlong into someone’s unpleasant behavior, may I first try my best to understand. Then, if my abstinence from gambling seems threatened, may I have the courage to remove myself from the situation.

Today I Will Remember
Live and let live.

((Sharon))

Hello everyone. I am a cg. After repeated effort I crossed the line and became addicted to gambling for sure. I remember thinking years back that I would not mind giving up all gambling except for trips to LV - I pondered that idea for all of a half a day before I was at the local dive wondering how I got there again.  Even a new casino in town can make me think there are new bells and whistles to see - kind of like switching from Budweiser to Michelob - no like changing seats on the Titanic. . For many reasons I am told that people like me have "to find a life in the world of grace and spirit" - not too bad a trade off. Goodnight ((Everyone))

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